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Sliding Otter News

January 28, 2012

The Bessimer Process in Our Lives

It’s not stress that kills us; it is our reaction to it

~Hans Selye ~

In case you were napping during fifth grade, The Bessimer process is a way of removing impurities from pig iron and turning it into steel. I remember needing headlights on our car to navigate through Lackawanna in the 1950’s. I also remember sulfur clouds rolling down the river towards Pittsburgh every Monday morning in the early 1960’s leaving their odor and thick layers of grit everywhere in their wake.

We don’t often think of stress as a good thing. Hans Selye studied stress at Johns Hopkins and McGill Universities. He also published a series of articles and books, notably The Stress of Life, a classic on the subject which brought stress to international attention. Selye noted the destructive effects of stress on our bodies and others elaborated on his findings.

Whole categories of drugs came into being to relieve us of stress. Yoga, meditation, exercise, dietary approaches, and psychological approaches all became part of our arsenal against experiencing stress. None of these approaches provide us with total immunity from stress. Natural disasters as well as the tragedies resulting from evil intentions compound our daily stress, affecting some of us more than others.

Stress does not upset just individuals. The Costa Concordia shipwreck sent ripples far from the coast of Tuscany. Speculation about the LeRoy girls’ neurological symptoms unsettled a community. Selye taught us that stress attacks the most vulnerable parts of our bodies. It also plays a role in heart disease, alcoholism, asthma and hypertension among other conditions. Our minds and our emotions also suffer from the effects of stress. Disappointment, dashed hopes and relationships on the rocks all unnerve us.

But is stress all bad? Could stress do the same for our lives as the Bessimer process does for steel? Is there a way we can use it to strengthen ourselves? I think there is. I have met several people who have reached middle age with no major stressful events. They sailed along easily until life’s adversity finally caught up with them. They had no idea what to do about it and wallowed helplessly in its grasp.

Many of us have experienced varying degrees of stress throughout our lives. We learned how to deal with it and how to manage our lives better. When new stressful situations arise, learning from our past experiences quickly rebalances our lives.

Not all of us find easy ways to manage or overcome stress. Fortunately we all have people around us who have learned to cope with our particular challenges. Professionals in our communities also specialize in managing stress. If our own resources don’t resolve it for us, we can call on them for their help and wisdom.

Life Lab Lessons

• Learn to trust your body, mind and emotions to tell you when you are under stress.
• Find out what is causing your stress.
• If you don’t have the necessary coping skills, ask others what they have tried or seek professional help.
• Be patient with yourself.
• Help others who might benefit from what you have learned.

Sliding Otter News

January 14, 2012

Serendipity, Inspiration and the Phoenix

We write about what we don't know about what we know

~Grace Paley~

You may have heard part of this story before. Some time ago I started working on a novel set in Martha's Vineyard, my favorite vacation spot. I wrote about marriage, a topic close to my heart personally and throughout my work life. I asked for honest feedback and learned that my characters were lifeless. Each attempt failed to animate them and they refused to be revived, if they ever lived. I finally decided to put it aside and start a new project about the current predicament of our country, more than a modest proposal. I discussed my plan with my friend Bob who suggested I read Bill Kauffman's book, Bye, Bye Miss American Empire. His book fascinated me. Then Bob, Bill and I ended up at lunch together.

At one point in the conversation Bill asked me why my novel was  stuck. I told him the characters were flat and refused to come to life despite my best efforts. Later he asked my how autobiographical it was. I told him it held a little of me but not much. Then we talked about his writing and the literary and wider world. I give his questions little thought at the time.

That night I awoke at my usual inspiration time, three AM. I suddenly realize what my novel was missing, Me. My soul. My spirit. The setting was real, The thoughts made sense. The story progressed. But there was nothing of me. The only sense writers have of being alive is that which beats in their chests and flows through their veins. All they have is their experience of life. And I ignored my experience. My characters only live though me and I failed to share my life with them.

A sad revelation but an exciting one! The answer seemed so simple once it arrived in my consciousness. So elementary it made me feel stupid. Yet now I can proceed with a book I thought was doomed.

I learned a few things from this experience. One is that I never know where I will find answers to questions which plague me. Keeping them locked up in my head did not help. Conversing about them gave another writer a chance to salvage years of my effort with two simple questions. Who would have thought that possible? I learned that sharing my shortcomings and dead ends let a friend lead me out from my cave to see the light of day again. Shades of Plato. This sounds dramatic as I write it, but wasting several years of writing at my age is no small matter. I hope I can help someone else in the same manner.

I learned that feeling stuck is state of mind. There are always alternatives to staring ahead into a dark corner. All it takes is to turn in another direction. What is obvious to others is not always apparent to me.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you feel stuck with any part of your life?
• Does it feel hopeless?
• Can you figure it out by yourself?
• Share your dilemma with someone you can trust.
• Try their path if yours is blocked.

Sliding Otter News

12/31/2011

Christmas Travels of James and the Magi

Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
~Mary Ellen Chase~

The Christmas season celebrating the birth of the Baby Jesus continues. The Magi traveling through the desert by camel always fascinated me most about the Christmas story. According to one gospel account, wise men caught wind of Jesus’ impending birth and made their way to Bethlehem. They brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Their arrival from the East has been celebrated as the Epiphany when Jesus was made known to the world and traditionally observed on January 6, also my birthday.

For me, Christmas brings with it time to reflect on my life so far, on the events of the first Christmas and the Magi arriving in Bethlehem on my birthday. This year I thought of all the times I attended midnight Mass and the crackle in the air amid the pine trees punctuated the quiet. Peaceful midnight hour. I don’t remember being a baby but I do recall all the times babies took center stage at Christmas.

Something new took place in our family around Christmas time this year. A baby, James, traveled with his parents from the East, specifically Abu Dhabi, to Western New York to meet his relatives. He arrived by jet, not camel. Typical of most babies he did not do much, but then he didn’t have to. He cuddled in the arms of those who immediately loved him. Previously they had seen him only in pictures or through the electronic miracle of Skype. His bright, inquisitive eyes explored each person, immediately captivating them with his presence. He smiled his unique smile. He grabbed and nuzzled anything shiny which came into his grasp. He never said anything profound. He never said anything at all. Yet he brought something special to each room he entered and quickly became the center of attention, drawing all eyes to himself.

Any concerns or issues I brought with me into the room vanished immediately, no longer important. Nothing else mattered for the moment. I had a sense that everyone else’s experience matched mine. James radiated pure peace, innocence and delight as only a baby can do. Babies bring a fresh perspective to each new experience. They have nothing to compare it with and delight in everything happening around them. They never have a chance to become bored since everything takes place for the first time for them. Everything is new, even their own toes. They haven’t learned to like or dislike anything yet. Each experience opens a new frontier.

Babies don’t know very much about life, at least not yet. But they have no worries, cares or problems. They approach each moment with eyes wide open and eager to learn about whatever takes place around them. Maybe we can take some of their peaceful presence with us and try looking at life the way they do.

Life Lab Lessons

• Spend some time with a baby.
• Leave behind you concerns, fears and regrets.
• Look at life the way a baby does.
• Remember what that feels like.
• Try it later when you feel overwhelmed.

Sliding Otter News

December 17, 2011

Knowing When It's Time for a New Path

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
~Robert Frost~

Several years ago, I completed my first novel, The Pastor’s Inferno. Another project popped into my mind and I started jotting my second novel, Marital Property. The draft finished and polished to the best of my ability, I asked two trusted friends for their comments. Both told me they learned some things they did not know about marriage, but found the characters dull and the narrative flat.

Not what I wanted to hear. But I thank both for their honesty at the risk of tarnishing our friendship. I have written long enough to know that I am not always the best judge of my writing. I let the manuscript ferment for a while and then embarked on a revision. Although working on it encouraged me, the end result proved less than satisfying. More fermentation. Then I made another foray, several times in fact. Still no progress.

After much ado, I set it aside yet again and threw myself into books about fiction style and bringing characters to life. Then out popped the manuscript again. Poring over it and changing description and dialog failed to bring it to life. However, I noticed improvements in my nonfiction writing. Hmmm.

After another period of reflection, it dawned on me that I might be laboring in the wrong vineyard. Perhaps I was not destined to write fiction or perhaps life brought me into a new field of endeavor. Putting my prospective novel to pasture brought me sadness and a sense of having wasted quite a bit of time. But then maybe it was necessary to work for a while on a manuscript not destined for publication to arrive at a project with more promise.

Lately I have started researching a nonfiction project, quite different from anything I have written before. Whether I fare any better this time remains to be seen. At least I have not given up on my writing and have the sense of adventure and promise I always find with a new writing challenge. Where it will end I don’t know but am ready for a new path.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost~

Life Lab Lessons

• Are you spinning your wheels?
• What makes you feel stuck?
• Is it time for a new path?
• What is it?
• Take the first step.

 

Sliding Otter News

December 3, 2011

Finding Little Ways to Share Our Treasures

Thanksgiving provides an opportunity to feel grateful for what we have. Besides feeling grateful, we can do something about it. Spending Thanksgiving in New York City gave me ample opportunity. Waiting for La Boheme at the Metropolitan Opera, I glanced through the list of contributors to the opera, some giving as much as thirty million dollars. How would it feel to make such a gift?

Up since four AM to travel to New York, my energy began to wane after two acts in standing room. Carol and I decided to meet Mike, who performed in Act II, at the ticket office and call it a day. As we waited, a man came and sat next to us. He settled his satchel and take-out coffee on the floor, plugged his ears into the Sirius Radio headphones on the wall next to him and listened to the intermission show.

Maybe he could not afford an opera ticket. The threads of his clothes looked ready to separate from each other. Yet no spots stained his suit. No offensive odor emanated from him. I guessed that he loved opera and ambled in from the street to listen for a while. I greeted him and he shared a tidbit from the intermission show.

A plan began to emerge but I had no wish to offend him. How could I put it? As the intermission wore on, a sense of urgency overtook me. I asked him if he would be heading back in for the third act. “Oh no.” he said, “ I’ll just listen from here.” I gathered he had no ticket. I offered him mine, telling him I could not stand any longer although I thoroughly enjoyed the first two acts.

He came to life at my offer. In the few minutes we had before the next act, he told me of his manuscript in the scuffed and worn leather satchel between his feet. He never let it out of his sight. He is writing a book about how opera fits into the overall culture. As a writer, I would have liked to spend more time with him. I knew that if he did not soon make his way to my spot in the theater, the doors would close and he would be no closer to the stage than when he arrived. Profusely thanking me, he gathered his effects and made his way toward the stairs.

I don’t expect to ever see him again. No time to exchange names or contact information. To me it was a small favor. For him, perhaps the chance of a lifetime. I will never know.

Life Lab Lessons

• What can you share?

• Who can use it?

• Would you feel better?

• Would someone else feel better?

• Take a chance.

   

Sliding Otter News

November 19, 2011

The Challenge of Getting and Staying Healthy

It is more important to know what sort of person has a disease
than to know what sort of disease a person has.

~Hippocrates~

My age finally caught up with me and my mailbox swims with ads for Medicare programs. Maybe it’s just the time of year but I can’t turn on the television without facing an onslaught of ads from Medicare insurance programs and drug companies. My next medical appointment also creeps up on me and it will be time to see what condition my condition is in. I will soon be asked to account for my efforts at keeping my body healthy.

Drugs abound for every conceivable condition and some conditions beyond imagination. I should ask my health provider about each drug and tell her if I have any conditions from a long list including, strangely enough, death. Ads tout each Medicare program as my best possible choice. I decide to check the Medicare website and find fifty-six different plans available to me. One most likely will be enough. Still, the other fifty-five vie for my attention.

I don’t review all fifty-six plans and fortunately narrow down possible selections of interest to a handful. I learn that the best way to keep medical costs down is to stay healthy. No big surprise there. I know my enemies: overweight, hypertension, cholesterol, triglycerides and too little exercise among others. These are the usual suspects. Then arrive all the other conditions typical of my age, some commonplace, some more exotic, and the screening tests to keep them at bay.

Lately my lunchtime conversations have turned to nutrition, the field of medicine, drugs and health in general. Fast foods keep popping up on TV, mail advertising, newspapers and billboards. We see and hear how quick, easy and tasty each one is. The effects on our bodies and health somehow don’t make the ads.

I wonder why the sudden need for such a variety of drugs and supplements. We can’t be so different from our ancestors who had little need for them. I stumble on a book about the Mediterranean diet and realize we have forgotten how to eat. Traditional Mediterranean communities took the time to incorporate their wonderful foods into their daily routines. Many of the lifestyle illnesses and conditions which plague us are rare among them.

Sugar, fat and salt have shanghaied our diets. Even the Mediterranean communities have started gradually moving toward our frenetic pace of life and seemingly easy but dangerous eating and lifestyles. Yet their traditional variety, emphasis on fruits and vegetables, healthy fats and a little wine offer to prevent or minimize the conditions we create for ourselves and then try to remedy with drugs and supplements. I for one have started exploring the Mediterranean option.

Life Lab Lessons

• Spend some time thinking about how you eat.
• Look at how you spend your leisure time.
• What did you hear about your health last time you saw your doctor?
• What is your health worth to you?
• Consider Mediterranean, Hawaiian or other traditional diets.

If you have any comments or suggestions, or would like this newsletter sent to you directly, please write me at jglangen@gmail.com. Read my blog at www.slidingotter.wordpress.com.

Sliding Otter News

November 05, 2011

The Art of Healing: Planning an Exhibit

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to do a little digging to find it

~Tori Amos~

Over a year ago I imagined a GO ART! exhibit of art by trauma survivors. I dove into my research to see whether this plan might work. I decided I could do it but the organization, networking and expense appeared daunting. My project idea generated some interest and not a little skepticism. Would survivors be willing to share their art in a small community? Could our community appreciate such an exhibit? It seemed like a risk.

As I have grown older I discovered that I don't care as much about what people think. On with the show. I began with the Internet. Google images showed me a great variety of survivor art. Two themes emerged, the psychological horror of trauma and eventual hope for the future.

Once I worked in a sex abuse program. I saw the same two themes back then. Families devastated by errant sexual urges, felt torn apart and children felt caught between escaping abuse and feeling responsible for splitting up their families. Later in treatment, hope emerged for a life without the fear of the bedroom door opening and shadows over their bed late at night. Sometimes survival was the best a family could hope for. Occasionally a better life seemed just over the horizon.

Some trauma survivors escape to an out of body experience. They look down on themselves from the ceiling, detached from their trauma and all its emotions. Maybe survivors do this in their art as well. They distance themselves from what has happened and find a safe place in their art where their fears do not grip them quite so tightly.

When working with children subjected to sexual abuse, we had them make a book about themselves. On the cover they were encouraged to draw or paint a picture expressing who they were. Often these pictures returned to the familiar themes of terror and hope.

I wondered how art could help with trauma recovery. Angeles Arrien said, The portal of healing and creativity always takes us into the realm of the spirit. Perhaps she found the key. Physical trauma eventually ends and no longer afflicts their bodies. Yet the spiritual scars remain, sometimes indefinitely. Art and creativity are ways of entering their spiritual selves to understand what happened to them and find ways to mend their souls.

Art is a representation of what we have experienced, a mirror to hold up to our spirit. We can step back from troubling emotions and gain some perspective. We can draw, paint or sculpt an image of what we would like to be and then dare to become what we at first can only imagine. Making tangible our psychological scars and hopes for the future through art helps set boundaries on our pain and remove boundaries from what is possible.

Life Lab Lessons

• What was the most traumatic event in your life?
• Did you feel paralyzed?
• Have you learned to put what happened into perspective?
• What helped you do it?
• Use what you learned to handle the next crisis.

Sliding Otter News

October 22, 2011

Wondering Where Those Blankets Came From

The past, with its pleasures, its rewards, its foolishness, its punishments,
is there for each of us forever, and it should be.

~Lillian Hellman~

Last Saturday, Carol, Matt and I took refuge in Lillian Hellman’s overturned cabana on Gay Head Beach in Martha’s Vineyard. The wind drove sand into our faces and clothes. Without the cabana, our stay on the beach would not have lasted five minutes. The cabana listed more and more each year I visited the Vineyard, our own little version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

This year the cabana lay flat on its face, ripped from its moorings by the wind. We crawled in through the opening where the floor once stood, unfolded our army blankets and made our nest for the afternoon. None of us knew exactly what took place there over the years. I imagined Lillian drinking wine with Dashiell Hammett and her Vineyard friends. She died before I ever set foot on Martha’s Vineyard and I could find no account of her time in the cabana. The only evidence of any recent activity was one pair of abandoned panties and a lone flip-flop. Somehow I imagine Lillian would appreciate of these artifacts.

For years the blankets lay in wait at St. Jerome Hospital for disaster use, but to my knowledge never came into service. They dated back to World War II. I wondered whether they always formed part of the reserves or whether they saw combat action. Could they have kept my uncle warm at night as his infantry truck rumbled from one European war zone to another?

Who knows what the blankets could tell us? Did war soak them in soldiers’ blood? Did they remain behind in the relative comfort of Army barracks? Did they make their way directly to disaster readiness in the hospital after the war? Or did they serve as veterans in an Army/Navy store such as The Army Barracks beckoning to customers on Circuit Avenue in Oak Bluffs from 1980 to 2004? Their secrets lay in their folds. Grist for my fantasies.

Our short time in Martha’s Vineyard drew to a close all too soon as we waited in the stand-by line for the ferry to Woods Hole and our trek home. I recounted the people I met over the past few days, their stories and their adventures. I watched the Island Home unload passengers, cars and trucks. Who was here to explore the Vineyard for the first time? Who returned home from a weekend on the mainland? Who toted their lunch on the way to work in one of the many tourist shops? They all carry their stories with them, no more forthcoming than the blankets now safely stowed in our trunk.

Martha’s Vineyard differs little from any other place in the world at least in one respect. Everyone arriving and leaving carries a rich history of experiences shaping their lives and forming the context for their future adventures. I feel fortunate to form part of the convoy of story-keepers.

Life Lab Lessons

• What stories do your fellow life travelers carry with them?
• Do you take time to ask about their stories?
• What stories define you?
• How do they shape your life direction?
• Relish the shared treasury of life experience.

Sliding Otter News

October 8, 2011

Accepting the Challenge of a Healthy Lifestyle

I’ve been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn’t require my presence

~Gary Trudeau~

Everyone wants to be healthy, especially after a bout with illness. But who really likes to work at it?. Oh, to be magically healthy all the time. Once we lived in an age when survival past childhood meant triumph. Illness remained inevitable and cure elusive.

Medicine has since grown up and we now have prescriptions for just about anything that ails us. Natural remedies vie with prescription drugs for our attention. Television ads abound, hawking every nostrum know to mankind. Ads suggest telling your doctor about things which should be in any medical record. You should also tell your doctor about serious side effects of medication including death. Now how does one do that?

If you tried everything suggested on TV, in magazines and newspapers and in casual conversation, you would be too busy to do anything else with your life. You would likely have little money left in your pocket either.

So how do we stay (or get) healthy? I started looking for ideas. In my search, I encountered suggestions for how to eat and what to eat, handling stress, getting exercise, losing weight, handling money and managing personal and family relationships to name a few. No simple matter. I found little agreement on what health means or how to achieve it.

I wonder if there is a common denominator for all these suggestions. If there is, it eludes me. As I sometimes do when I don’t know where to begin, I decided to consult Wikipedia. I discovered that among other things, health means “the general condition of a person in mind, body and spirit, usually meaning to be free from illness, injury or pain.” Three years after I was born, the World Health Organization defined health as “a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”

The first definition adds spirituality to the mix and the second adds social wellbeing. The more I read the more complicated my quest becomes. Do I need to spend the rest of my life searching for the meaning of health? Maybe not.

What if the secret to health lies within each of us? Maybe I need to listen closer to my body, my mind, my feelings and my soul. Perhaps all it takes is time to be still within myself. Well maybe not all. But that might be a good place to start. My body has its ways of telling me when I have strayed from what is healthy if I only take the time to listen. So do my mind, feelings and spirit. Okay, go away for a while so I can spend some time listening to myself.

Life Lab Lesson

• Find some time to spend by yourself with no distractions.
• Concentrate on your breathing and let everything else fade from your mind.
• Listen to what your body has to say to you.
• Then listen to you mind, feelings and spirit.
• Now you should know where to start.

Sliding Otter News
September 24, 2011
Living My Life and Waiting for the Next Tide

Nantucket Sound Sunrise Nantucket Sound Sunrise

The human body at peace with itself is more precious than the rarest gem.
Cherish your body; it is yours this one time only.
All the worldly things are brief like lightning in the sky.
This life, you must know, was the tiny splash of a raindrop,
a thing of beauty that passes away even as it comes into being.
Therefore, set your goal! And make every day a time to attain it.

~Lama Tsong Khapa~

Recently a friend of Carol’s and mine died after last year’s diagnosis of cancer. I can’t say she suffered from cancer since she did not believe in suffering or pain, admitting only to discomfort. Instead of fearing her cancer, she named it Cora, respecting its power and chronicling the struggle to control her body. I wanted to write about our friend Pete but couldn’t decide where to start.

While I waited for inspiration, the above quote arrived by email, a favorite of Beth Allen’s mother who also recently died of cancer. As I thought of Pete and Beth’s mother, images of many people close to me flashed through my mind. I never imagined them leaving this earth, but before I knew it, only their memory remained. In the vast scheme of things, our lives are indeed tiny splashes of rain, absorbed into the soil before we know it. Some of the people I knew as a child grew old and died. Others seemed old when I first met them.

Those I have not seen for years still seem to me whatever age they were when I last saw them. I still imagine myself as the child pulling on woolen mittens to play in the snow, the teenager ready for summer adventures on my bike or the recent graduate anxious for my first professional challenge. I never thought about dying when I was younger.

I still don’t like the intrusion of mortality into my fantasies. Yet I don’t know whether I will wake up tomorrow morning or even finish today. I have plans, dreams and ideas I would like to pursue but have no way of knowing which ones I will see fulfilled. My challenge is to accept whatever today brings and make the best of it. Sometimes I fritter away the hours and then wish I had done something more productive. Sometimes I wake up with fresh ideas I need to write down before even landing on my feet. Each day dispenses its own challenges, secrets and rewards. I can’t choose what will be in the mix. The best I can do is to meet each day with flexibility, ready for whatever it brings me. The little surprises make it getting out of bed worthwhile.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you accept what life gives you or do you try to force life into your mold?
• Do you ever succeed in forcing your way on the world?
• Do you become frustrated when you fail?
• How much time do you have left to live?
• What would make today one to remember?

Sliding Otter News

September 10, 2011

When Life Does Not Meet Your Expectations

You May be disappointed if you fail, but your are doomed if you don’t try.

~Beverly Sills~

I wrote before about knowing who you are and who you are not. Sometimes you think you know who you are and set out merrily along your life path only to find yourself at a dead end. I have done this several times. While I stumbled around in confusion for a while each time, I finally picked myself up and searched for another path.

An accident or illness can take away some of your capabilities. A career for which you prepared might not still exist when you are ready to start it. Staying on your old path could require you to compromise your principles in a way which would mean giving up what is most important to you. There are many reasons people need to switch paths. Years ago when I studied careers and occupations, I learned that the average person has at least three careers during their lifetime.

You could stay stuck where you are, become angry about your disappointment or refuse to look for another path. I have met people who have handled life disappointments in each of these ways. Feeling sorry for yourself or giving up are options, but to my mind not very good ones. They also seem rather boring to me.

Of course it hurts to discover that your life dream is just that and accept that it will never amount to anything. Maybe you don’t have the skills you thought you did. Maybe the path you chose changes so much that it is no longer worth pursuing. Perhaps you find you have talents better than the ones you first relied on. None of this means your life is not worthwhile or that you have nothing to contribute. It just means you need to reevaluate your situation and reset your sights.

I know that is easier said than done. Having to give up who you thought you were can be very sad. It can be humiliating if you had many fans supporting your previous efforts. It can be disorienting to forget your old ways and beat a new path. You might lose confidence in yourself and start second guessing your ability to make good choices.

But maybe you can learn something about yourself in the process. You can learn perspective. Having to change paths is a chance to discover that disappointment is not the same as being devastated. You can discover skills you did not know you had. You have a chance to learn to be flexible rather than rigid about your goals. Maybe what you learned in your past life will help you in your new one.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you like the path your are on?
• If not, what can you do about it?
• What is most important in your life?
• What path will help you find what is important?
• Be courageous and choose that path.

Sliding Otter News

8/13/2011

The Family Challenge of Mental Illness Illness

 

Ilness has always brought me nearer to a state of grace.

~Abbe Piere~

Families usually face a crisis when a member is diagnosed with mental illness. Sometimes the diagnosis confirms what they suspected for years. Sometimes it is a bolt from the blue. They struggle to understand what is happening, why it happens and what to do about it.

Mental illness can ravage a family with uncertainty, blame and confusion. Some families never recover and remain fractured. Others rise to the challenge, overcome the humiliation and embarrassment it causes and find ways to accept and support their mental ill family members.

Some mentally ill family members need constant supervision. Some return to their former level of functioning. Others have times when they function quite well and times when they don’t do so well. Physical health, medication and life circumstances as well as social supports can all make a difference in their lives. My family has had its ups and downs with mental illness and mental health. Everything has been stable for years. We became somewhat complacent and had no premonition that we would plunge into another crisis.

Recently one of our family members who had done well for years began showing medical difficulties associated with side effects of his medication. His doctor decided that he needed to change medication. All seemed to be going smoothly for a while. Then it gradually became clear that something was amiss. Now it feels like we are back to square one.

But we are not. Over the years, we have learned to understand the nature and unpredictability of mental illness. We have learned not to be embarrassed by or ashamed of our family struggle. We have learned not to blame anyone. We know that we don’t like to to see this happen to our loved one and are relieved that it did not take his life.

We know that there are no guarantees that this will be the last crisis. We don’t know what the future holds for any of us. Together we have gotten through difficult times in the past. We can help each other through whatever awaits us. We thank God that mental illness has ultimately brought us closer together rather than driven us apart. We are grateful for the community resources which have helped us through our ordeals and helped us return to relative stability. We are thankful for those who have supported and prayed for us over the years and who still do.

We would like other families to know that they can help each other surmount any difficulties life throws their way. It is not always easy and sometimes we trip over each other in our efforts to do what is helpful. We haven’t given up despite setbacks and know that other families can do at least as well as we have.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you have a mentally ill family member?
• Don’t pretend that it is not a problem.
• Listen to your mentally ill family members.
• Listen to each other.
• Find ways to help each other cope with the challenges.

Sliding Otter News

July 30, 2011

Removing Blocks to Living Your Best Life

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left,
and could say, “I used everything you gave me.

~Erma Bombeck~

Children are often told they can do anything they want to when they grow up. Some people seem to be able to do just about anything. Others of us are born with fewer gifts or with physical or mental difficulties narrowing our possibilities and making it harder for us to reach our goals. Life experiences can further burden and limit us. Sometimes we are tempted to give up on our goals or settle for less than we can be. Maybe we can’t do everything we want to, but each of us still has some abilities regardless of our circumstances. Some people do quite well despite apparent disabilities.

Others without disabilities sometimes find ways to create their own roadblocks on their life path. Why would anyone do that? At first it doesn’t seem to make much sense. Why would people make their lives more difficult or undermine their success? Yet people do it all the time. Even people with talent often need to work hard finding the best way to use their ability. In this age of immediacy, some people just can’t wait and look for short cuts. They want everything now despite the cost to themselves. Instead of learning to recognize and develop their talents, they try to grab everything they can, often compromising their principles in the process.

Some of us get distracted and sidetracked by immediate but passing pleasures and abandon our path which can be stony at times. Still, some of us take the time to discover and cultivate our talents. Then we do what we do best, make a contribution and leave a legacy. So what about those roadblocks? How do we stay focused on what our lives have to offer and what we can contribute?

After the recent bus tragedy involving Amish farmers, their families were able to maintain their faith and trust in God that what happened was for a purpose beyond their comprehension. No thoughts of vengeance, blame or retribution. They didn’t give up but continued their simple way of life without questioning God. Even in these extreme circumstances, they were able to continue as they did in the past and stay true to their way of life and beliefs. Maybe part of the purpose of their tragedy was to give us a window through which we can view and appreciate a people remaining focused on what is important under extremely trying conditions. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Maybe we should listen to what he said so many years ago and do a little more examining of ourselves from time to time to see if we are still on the right path.

Life Lab Lessons

• Can you state your life purpose?
• If not, what could it be?
• What would make you give up your goals?
• What can you do about the difficulties you face in your life?
• What have you accomplished that you thought was beyond you?

Sliding Otter News
7/2/2011
High School Graduation and Beyond:
Opportunities and Challenges

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Recently I had the pleasure of attending my granddaughter’s high school graduation. (Congratulations Allison) I wondered what lay behind the sea of bright-eyed faces. What are their hopes, dreams and fears? Some of them breezed through the last four years. Others plodded their way through, just hoping for survival. During the graduation ceremony, my mind wandered as it usually does when I sit still for any length of time.

I thought back to my own high school graduation and my thoughts at the time. I did not have plans for any great adventures after high school. Having entered the seminary at age thirteen, I would continue following the same path after graduation. New adventures did crop up several years later, eventually leading me to discover that I did not belong in the seminary. At age 23, I finally faced the question graduates face, “Now what will I do with my life? The traditional ball of graduation emotions seized me, followed by more questions, “What do I want to do with my life? What can I do? Will I be successful?”

Life was full of possibilities but also challenges. If I did not make a decision soon, my draft board would make one for me which likely included a visit to Vietnam. In the years since then I learned that, for me at least, life choices were not something that arose just once and were then forgotten. Many times when I thought I knew where I was headed, new challenges arose. It took me a while to realize that challenges are a part of life and to expect them to arise at any moment. I also learned not to fear challenges.

After I met a few successfully, the rest were not so daunting. After working for many years, I learned that retirement has its own rewards and uncertainties. I have known people who retire and sit in a chair until it is time to die. Others remain just as active as they were before retirement. Opportunities abound for new graduates and for everyone else throughout their lives, no matter what their age.

The only question is whether we will recognize our opportunities, trust our skills and forge ahead. Dr Seuss said, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Some of us are raised to think we are not important or not worth much. Others are reassured of our value as human beings from birth. With or without support, it is up to each of us to find a path which leads us through life and hopefully to a sense of satisfaction with our undertaking. How is your life coming?

Life Lab Lessons

• What has made your life path more difficult?
• What has made it easier?
• Who can help you find your way?
• How have you accomplished what you did?
• Can you use the same skills for the next challenge?

Sliding Otter News

6/18/2011

The Peak Experience of Adriana's Sculpture

The peak experience induces the recognition that your own powers
are far greater than you imagined them.
~Colin Wilson~

Every once in a while, I take a scenic drive along Oatka Trail. With the many twists, it is hard to absorb all its beauty in my effort to stay on the road. On my first drive, about halfway along the Trail, I noticed some statues peering out from the woods. The next time I drove by, they were still there. I never knew quite what to make of them until I read a newspaper story about Jack and Adriana Slutzky and their collection of outdoor sculptures. Intrigued, I promised myself to visit them. I never made it until last week. My only regret was that I didn’t go sooner.

Jack greeted Carol and me along with the museum group he had scheduled for a tour that day. He explained that his wife had created all the works we would visit. We could see a few through the trees and had no idea of the extensive collection which waited us.

We learned that Jack and Adriana are both artists and had both taught art. Now Adriana concentrates on sculpture and Jack writes books and paints when he is not excavating, pouring concrete and moving completed works on a scale which reminded me of Easter Island.

Most of Adriana’s works embody the experience, joy and challenges of being a woman. Some pieces remind me of Henri Moore and Pablo Picasso. All of them rise from her unique inspiration. She explores the world of relationships in her pieces, working from a feminine perspective, the one she knows best.

Jack morphed from tour guide into art professor, giving us glimpses into Adriana’s inspiration and symbolism. We first saw individual works. Further into the tour, installations consisted of more and more pieces. A waterfall, the woods Oatka Creek gave the sculptures a context in nature. During the tour, I found myself deepening from curiosity through meditation, to a sense of awe which stayed with me the rest of the day.

I recalled Abraham Maslow’s writings about peak experiences, “Transpersonal and ecstatic states, particularly ones tinged with euphoria, harmonization and interconnectedness.” This was definitely such an event for me, one I will always treasure. It helped me make sense of the world, and especially of the women who inhabit it along with us men. My visit left me with an understanding of the lives of those around me, defying expression in words. The images say it all.

The greatest joy I receive while working at an arts council is coming face to face with the creative spirit of the artists I meet. That day’s experience brought great joy by allowing me to touch Adriana’s spirit.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you recall any peak experiences in your life?
• What did they mean to you?
• How did they affect your view of yourself and others?
• Are you ready for them to happen again?
• In the presence of great art, let yourself feel it rather than just seeing or hearing it.

Sliding Otter News

5/21/2011

Finding Our Way Into the Future with Each Other

Unless we succumb to the forces of chaos and folly, the transition to a planetary civilization is inevitable,
the end product of the enormous, inevitable forces of history and technology beyond anyone's control.

~Michio Kaku~

I ran across a book at the JFK airport bookstore recently and had time to only glance through it. When I returned home, I found it at Woodward Library. In his book The Physics of the Future, Michio Kaku, a quantum physicist, writes about science and human destiny over the next hundred years. Although I don't expect to be around for the next hundred years, or even the next fifty, I thought it might be interesting to see what he predicts based on his interviews with scientists hard at work shaping our future technology.

Kaku surprised me in the Introduction with his conclusion that people have not changed all that much over the past hundred thousand years. We are not different anatomically from our ancestors. He sees our wants, dreams, personalities, desires and thinking as not much different from our ancestors either. He calls this the Cave Man Principle.

Despite the marvels of modern communications technology, we still want to see things with our own eyes and talk with people face to face just as we have over the past several thousand years. Concerts, theater and travel have not given way to instant televised, computerized or smart phone images as some have predicted. If we have not changed in the past hundred thousand years, where are we headed in the foreseeable future?

Once it took almost all our time and energy just to survive. Technology has given us something our ancestors did not enjoy, leisure time. But how will we use our increased leisure? Will we use it to become more self-indulgent and consumption oriented than we already are? What is the alternative? We can head in a more productive direction and use our energy to better understand ourselves and each other.

Kaku reminds us that our brains think in symbols. Words, images and gestures convey our thoughts, fears, needs and wishes. Lately, with limited resources, we are tempted to put the arts on the shelf in favor of the sciences in our schools. The reality is that the advance of technology is worthless without the ability to understand each others' inner selves. Through the arts, we explore ways to express to each other what it means to be human.

Perhaps someday our technology will find a way for us to communicate with each others' minds directly. In the mean time, we have the arts to help us share the meaning of our lives through images dance and music when words fail us or when they need a little help. I am waiting to see what you will bring to the future.

Life Lab Lessons

• What does being human mean to you?
• What did it mean to your ancestors?
• What does it mean to your fellow humans?
• What can you contribute to the world community?
• Find constructive ways to share your humanity with others.

Sliding Otter News

June 5, 2011

Choosing Wisdom for our Survival

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

~Immanuel Kant~

I just finished Michio Kaku’s book, Physics of the Future. I feared he might glorify technology to the exclusion of anything human. Near the end of his book, he predicts that technology might eventually take over most of our mundane tasks. What will remain for us to do? He concludes that our task will be to develop a sense of wisdom, often lost in our fascination with new gadgets.

He says, “Without wisdom and insight, we are left to drift aimlessly and without purpose, with an empty, hollow feeling after the novelty of unlimited information wears off.” I have been writing for ten years about commonsense wisdom. This has been the theme of most everything I have written.

I have enjoyed comments by my readers saying that my writing resonates with them and helps them focus on what is important in their lives. Still, I wonder whether my efforts and those of my readers will be flattened by the steamroller of technology and computers.

Then I realize that technology and computers are only tools. Infatuation or even worship of our tools does not give our lives a purpose. Our tools make it easier for us to do things, but what do we want and need to do?

Isaac Asimov said, “The saddest aspect of society now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.” We can put men on the moon and probe distant galaxies but we can’t figure out how to stop killing each other with endless wars. It seems that things have become worse since Asimov’s observation.

Thinkers throughout the ages have tried to make sense of life and find a purpose for our existence. Religious and philosophical thinkers have pondered the meaning of life for many centuries. Yet we seem to still wander aimlessly as a society with no clear direction. It has been said that wisdom comes with age. Yet I have seen older people go to their graves still scratching their heads, wondering what it is all about.

Why is wisdom, so hard to come by and what must we do to find it? First we must shut our mouths and listen. None of us has the corner on wisdom or the final answer within ourselves. We must know each others’ struggles and dreams and find a way to forge ahead together. It sounds almost impossible, but could it be harder than sending people to the moon and back?

We could destroy ourselves with our technology and almost did in the age of nuclear weapons. We scoff at the effect of our “progress” on the environment on which we depend for survival. We could still slowly poison ourselves for the sake of short term financial gain. What if wisdom became our priority?We could join hands and lives in shared wisdom while exploring our future possibilities. What do you choose?

Life Lab Lessons

• Close your mouth and listen to others around you.
• What can they teach you about life?
• Try to understand others.
• Be patient with them.
• Practice ways to compromise.

Sliding Otter News

5/7/2011

What People Do When Spring Does Not Spring

It is spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want-
oh you don't quite know what it is you do want,
but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!

~Mark Twain~

The calendar says Spring has arrived. I long for the warmth which left with Fall. Each morning I hope this is the day I can put away my bundle-up clothes. But more often than not, fierce winds, driving, and dark clouds wait outside. Maybe tomorrow. This is not the biggest disappointment I have faced in my life. Nobody died.

Then my mind turns to the panel on which I agreed to sit to address questions about depression and bipolar disorder. As we wait for Spring, people with mental illness wait to have their lives back. Their families also want life to return to normal. I recall the days when I worked with families struggling with mental illness and all its challenges. I also remember the realization of clients I worked with and their families when they first faced the prospect of living with these conditions in the forseeable future. They were bewildered, upset, worried and angry. I don't blame them. I kept seeing these feelings in family after family. I also faced them in my own family.

Like any family adversity, there is no easy answer. No easy explanation comes to mind about why this condition appears in some families and not others. Is it family history? Lifestyle? Traumatic events? Even if there was an explanation, it would not take away the heartache and uncertainty they face.

I remember when I first faced this quagmire. What I learned from my own family experience helped me to understand what other families were facing. But the feelings whirling in my mind made it hard for me to be objective. Just as my clients struggled to balance their thoughts and feelings, I felt the same struggle in trying to help them deal with their ordeal.

Mental illness demoralizes people who struggle with it. Will they ever get it under control? Even if they do learn to control it, will it stay under control? What will medication do for them and to them? Will they be able to keep working or ever work again? Families wonder if they have lost their mentally ill relative for good and whether the family will ever be the same again.

Fortunately, with support and time, life does continue, even with mental illness. It might be different from before, but families often need to find ways to adapt to life's adversity. Expectations of each other may need to change. Patience and understanding are certainly at a premium.

Life Lab Lessons

• If you have a mental illness, find a way to understand it.

• Help those who care about you understand what you are going through.

• If you have mental illness in your family, try to understand it.

• Let your loved ones know you are on their side.

• Remember that love is kind, patient, understanding and always hopeful.

Update

Four of my books, Commonsense Wisdom for Everyday Life, Young Man of the Cloth, The Pastor's Inferno and Navigating Life are now available in e-book format at Barnes and Noble for $5.95 each. See details here.See more about these books elsewhere on this site.

Sliding Otter News

4/23/2011

Passover, Easter and the Promise of Spring Renewal

 

 

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters
compared to what lies within us.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

The Jewish celebration of Passover is underway and Easter is just around the corner. I don't think it is a coincidence that both arrive just as nature struggles to put away the winter freeze and roll out the spring thaw. We make resolutions to change at New Year's but somehow we don't seem to do very well with them. In the middle of winter, we lapse into survival mode and stick with our lazy hibernation. Somehow change seems more natural in the spring.

Today I finally broke out of my winter doldrums. I have wanted to get back to more consistent writing. During the winter, I thought about getting serious about it again. I have managed to keep up with my columns. However I have often gone two or three weeks between journal entries and have been very sporadic with my blog. My fiction lies fallow as the farmer's fields this time of year.

It doesn't feel quite like spring yet, but signs abound telling us it is on its way. Pregnant female birds line up at the feeder. Lilac buds bulge, ready to burst. Migrating geese stray from their formation as they close in on Oatka Creek. It can't be long now. With all these portents, I was ready to switch to my summer exercise routine and planned a walk. When the time came, I stepped out into snow showers which just wouldn't quit. I walked anyway and encountered a lone Canada goose honking loudly in the middle of a cow pasture. Perhaps it longed for the dawn of spring as much as I did.

Nature regales us with new shoots, crocus and daffodil blooms as well as baby birds and animals. What can we do for our part? Perhaps we can take inspiration from nature and make our contribution to the spring awakening. What lies dormant within us? We will never know until we look inside ourselves.

What will we find? Sometimes we are afraid to test new talents or reveal ones we have hidden from others. We sometimes underestimate the value of our talent. What if no one appreciates what we have to offer? Maybe we will look silly and make fools of ourselves. Even if our worst fears are borne out, we will be in good company. Many now famous artists and composers were initially met with ridicule.

Husks of flower buds are not particularly attractive, Baby animals are often ungainly. Initial efforts to release our creative energy might appear awkward as we seek to find our true potential. However, without testing our wings, we will never fly. We fear falling on our face and we might well do so with our first few efforts. With perseverance, we will eventually find our confidence.

Life Lab Lessons

• What talents might lie hidden within you?

• What friendly encouragements have you disregarded?

• Try something new this Spring,

• Don't judge yourself,

• Let yourself take some chances.

Sliding Otter News

Special Edition

Forgiveness: A Gift to Yourself

4/15/2011

I’d like to start with a quote by Lewis Smedes. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” People who stay bound by anger toward those who have hurt them often bridle at the thought of forgiving their tormentors. “I’m not ready to forgive.” “Never, after what I suffered.” “He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.”

So what happens if you don’t forgive? Offenders often don’t care whether you forgive them or not. They may never have cared about your feelings and have gone on with their lives for better or for worse. How you feel may not affect them one way or the other. Whatever you feel only hurts you.

I am not saying you should ignore legal remedies. Sometimes the criminal justice system can help offenders face themselves and turn their lives around. Reporting the offense may also help others remain safe from the abuse you suffered.

However, seeking revenge will hurt you as much as the one who offended you. Confucius wrote, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” Do you really want to make life more difficult for yourself?

Some victims wallow in self pity for years, further victimizing themselves in addition to what has already been done to them. This doesn’t make much sense when you think about it, does it? What are the alternatives? While sadness, anger and fear are common first reactions, do you want to spend the rest of your life caught in these emotions? Given a choice, most of us do not.

So why should we forgive those who have offended us? What do we have to gain? Letting go of negative feelings leads to healing by releasing you from the stress of being burdened by them. Improved physical and mental health usually follow after releasing yourself from the chains of a quest for revenge. A sense of control in your life often returns when you no longer dwell on your trauma and misfortune.

Before we look at what forgiveness is, let’s look at what it is not. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. In order to forgive what happened to you, you must first acknowledge and face what you experienced and how you feel about it. But that does not mean dwelling on it for the rest of your life.

It does not mean pardoning the offender. You cannot release him from his guilt. It is not up to you to pardon him anyway. It is up to the offender to face what he has done. Ultimately, pardoning an offender is up to the courts and to God.

Forgiveness does not mean excusing the offender. Everyone has their own pressures, life circumstances and difficulties. However, we all remain personally responsible for our choices and actions, and what we do to others. You are not responsible for your offender’s life or for his actions.

Forgiveness does not mean it is okay for an offender to do what was done to you in the future. It will never be okay. You don’t have to pretend it is okay and should do what you can to protect yourself from it happening again.

Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Ideally the offender will apologize and take responsibility for what happened and you can accept it if you choose. But you don’t have to become fast friends.

So what is at stake for you? The most obvious reaction to being victimized is anger. You would need very low self-esteem not to be angry about being violated.

Shame is also a common reaction. Most people tend to hide their inner hurt as well as external bruises. Who wants to admit being victimized?

Guilt and self blame are also common. Why did you allow yourself to be harmed in this way? Why didn’t you prevent it from happening?

Victims also tend to obsess about what happened. They keep wondering why me; what could I have done differently; how could anyone do this to me? There aren’t really any answers but they keep torturing themselves with such questions anyway.

So why should you forgive? How long do you want to be consumed by anger and negative thoughts? Do you want to continue being hounded by anxiety, depression and grief? Have you given into substance abuse or other addictions or do they tempt you as a way to forget about your hurt?

You can build a wall around yourself but, until you come to terms with it, you will always know that your trauma and all your feelings about it are on the other side of the wall. Blocking out your feelings does not make them go away. We tend to look for ways to protect ourselves from attack, hide ourselves from shame and stop trusting when we feel helpless and tainted by our loss of innocence.

So what does forgiveness mean and how can it help? The American Psychological Association defines it as “a process that involves a change in emotion and attitude...and requires letting go of negative emotions toward the offender.”

I think forgiveness also includes what you do for yourself, your gift to you. I have always viewed Joan Rivers as a blow-hard comedian. But I discovered a very profound quote attributed to her “Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly: hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.”

So what can you do? Do you realize how much energy it takes to stay angry and upset? You feel exhausted all the time. What if you saw your anger as an opportunity to use the energy it takes to stay upset, for more constructive purposes?

So how do you do this? First you can face your trauma and all the destructive ways it has affected you. A trusted friend or perhaps a therapist can help you give voice to what you have gone through and what you are experiencing as a result. In addition, or perhaps instead, you can keep a journal documenting the steps you took along your path from feeling tormented to regaining control of your life.

Crime victims don’t want to forget what happened to them. But they don’t want to think about it all the time either. Your journal can provide a safe place to store the details of your journey for when you might need to revisit them. Writing is also a good way to find words for how you feel which might have escaped you in the past.

You might also consider a letter to your abuser, although it is not a good idea to send it until you have your emotions under control. Even then it might be best to rewrite it calmly if you do decide to send it. In the letter, Susan Forward suggests addressing the following:

• This is what you did to me.
• This is how I felt at the time.
• This is how it affected me.
• This is what I want from you.

If you don’t send the letter you could keep it with your journal in case you ever need a reminder of where you started and how you came to terms with it.

If it is important to you, and your abuser is willing, you might want to attend a supervised conference in which the offender offers you an apology and you decide whether to accept it.

Long ago I learned that the people who are most likely to recover from chemical addictions are the ones who reach out to help others with their addictions. Perhaps helpful to you in maintaining perspective about your journey would be to help others with theirs.

I would like to close with the words of Mahatma Gandhi,”I have learned, through bitter experience, the one supreme lesson: to conserve my anger. And as heat, conserved, is transmitted into energy, even so our anger, controlled, can be transmitted into a power that can move the world.”

(This is a keynote address I delivered for National Crime Victim Rights Week in Batavia, NY. I hope these words might be helpful to you or to someone you know.)

Sliding Otter News

April 9, 2011

Solving the Mystery of Why We Like to Read Mysteries

~Port Authority Traveler Statues~

The final mystery is oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

As a writer, I am in the habit of reading quite a few books. It occurred to me that many of them are mysteries, although I wander into other genres from time to time. Reading the paper on Sunday, I noticed how many of the best sellers are mysteries. I guess I am not alone in my reading interests.

Then I started to wonder why so many of us are attracted to mysteries. I had never thought much about it before. Why now? I guess it is just one of life’s mysteries. I did a little research on people’s reasons for reading mysteries. I found more reasons than I expected to. I also found some thoughts of fiction authors.

PD James saw mystery novels as being about the “restoration of order.” She thought we all wished our lives were as orderly as solving a fictional crime. Umberto Eco saw such reading as the process of moving from mystery to resolution. The critic David Lodge stated, “A solved mystery is ultimately reassuring to readers, asserting the triumph of reason over instinct, of order over anarchy…”

Readers see reading mysteries as a chance for thrills, escape from everyday life, the challenge of a puzzle, a chance to use problem solving skills, logic, math and pattern recognition. Some like to see how the authors adhere to or improvise on the conventions of the genre. It’s a little like learning to appreciate Chinese Art. Readers of mystery series enjoy getting to know and love characters such as Jack Reacher and Kay Scarpetta.

So what does all this say about us? Like everything else we do we can all do the same thing for many different reasons. Our most common motivation seems to be watching logic sort out messy details and make sense of them. Most of us would like to have an orderly world. We like watching characters put the pieces together and matching wits with them to see if we can unravel the mystery before they do.

Our lives so often seem out of kilter, off balance and not making much sense. We would prefer predictable lives and would like to know what to expect next. Well, maybe we all don’t. Some of us like surprises and would like our lives to be a constant adventure. Sometimes what happens in our lives seems quite logical and expected. Sometimes what happens to us remains quite mysterious and never has a satisfactory explanation. I think of these as life’s mysteries. Many of these are not of earth-shaking importance but certainly keep us on our toes.

We look for explanation in religion, science, comparing notes with our friends and in the arts. As long as we are still wondering about life, we are still alive. How much more interesting is it to find our lives fascinating than to plod along like robots?

Life Lab Lessons

• How often do you read mysteries?
• What are you looking for when you open one?
• What character seems most like you?
• Who would you like to be?
• When you read, what do you learn about your own life?

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Sliding Otter News

November 6, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 24

Juggling Feelings, Emails and Text Messages

So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words
but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

Tone of voice suggests excitement or depression. Blushing suggests anger or embarrassment. Tears suggest sadness. All of these hints help us make sense of other people’s words. Without them we are quite likely to misinterpret feelings or miss them altogether. Even with this extra information, we might not be sure how someone else feels. But it’s a start.

At one time, the only way we could communicate was by talking directly with each other. Back then people weren’t in a hurry and could take time to hear each other out. They asked questions until they understood what each other meant.

Over the centuries, we have developed many shorthand methods of communicating. At the same time the pace of our lives has quickened considerably. These days we want everything immediately and take affront at having to wait more than a few seconds for anything. In the process, we have been cut off from rich sources of information.

The telephone deprived us of seeing another person as he or she talked. Emails deprived us of hearing tone of voice, accent, and how fast someone talked. Text messages have cut even our typewritten words to the bare minimum, often using shortcuts for words and expressions, at least IMHO (in my humble opinion.)

What are the advantages of emails or text messages over more complete communication? We don’t have to wait to share our messages. We can also converse in shorthand. As long as we are sharing brief information, there’s no problem. The disadvantage is the loss of emotional information. If we want someone to know how we feel we are limited to trying to describe our feelings or resorting to emoticons (smiley faces.) It has often been said that a picture is worth a thousand words. Emoticons might well be worth less than a single word. They relay about as much information about our feelings as a stick figure does about a person. :-(

I recall once having a misunderstanding with someone very close to me. Due to distance and different time zones, we tried to resolve the issue by email. The more we tried, the worse it got until we finally talked about it face to face.

Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of face to face communication. If we must resort to electronic shorthand, we would do well to remember the limitations of technology. Being aware that our feelings or intentions might be distorted, we can take care to clarify what we mean and how we feel. If we are not sure, it always helps to ask what the other person thinks we mean.

Life Lab Lessons

• Be aware of your feelings about what you say or write.

• Realize that you might not always clearly communicate how you feel.

• Be especially careful with email and text messages.

• Be sure to clarify feelings you think are attached to incoming messages.

• If you are not sure what feelings are being suggested, check it out. :-)

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Sliding Otter News

October 23, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 23

Breast Cancer’s Lessons for the Lives We Live

“You gain strength, courage and confidence
by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face"
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Five years ago I knew breast cancer only in the abstract. It hadn’t touched my life yet. I wondered how it was that so many women and a few men became hosts to a disease which started eating them up and, left untreated, could kill them. Had it always been this way? If not what has changed? I knew some cancer survivors and heard tales of a woman who died of breast cancer before I had a chance to meet her.

Then my beloved companion joined her mother and two sisters in the family struggle with breast cancer. The discovery immediately took over our relationship, first inviting panic and then survival strategies. Would she recover as did her older sister? Would she succumb to the disease as did her mother and younger sister? What was her prognosis? What should she do? What could I do?

Now, five years later, she has reached an important milestone in her recovery and survival. Each step in her treatment raised questions, challenges and fears. Eventually we tamed our concerns and made the necessary decisions. She endured treatment while I provided what support I could. Our life was different but we survived the ordeal and drew closer together in the process.

Recently I sat in a room full of several hundred breast cancer survivors, some of a few months and some of many years. They came together to raise money for breast cancer treatment and research. They dined and participated in a Chinese auction of gift baskets and a silent auction of bras elaborately decorated by craftswomen whose creations had been exhibited in a celebration of breast cancer awareness. Mostly they celebrated their courage and solidarity.

I wondered again about why people contract breast or any other sort of cancer. Mutated genes have been discovered to make breast cancer more likely. Clusters of cancer sufferers suggest environmental factors. Most likely is a combination of hereditary and environmental contributors.

Fortunately, research advances now make cancer a much less likely death sentence. Genetic testing helps make us aware of our risks. Research promises new, less primitive, treatments more in the near future. We also know more about how lifestyle such as nutrition, fitness and avoiding carcinogens can help keep us from cancer’s grasp.

In these days when we are divided politically, culturally and religiously, it is reassuring to know that we can come together to fight cancer. Think of the pink gloves NFL players wear this month. Perhaps the fight against cancer can serve as a model for better cooperation between people in other areas as well. Thank you Zonta, Pink Hatters, GMMH Healthy Living, Genesee County Senior Center and GO ART!

Life Lab Lessons

• Learn what you can about what causes cancer.
• Do what you can to protect yourself and those you love.
• Watch for signs of cancer and don’t ignore them.
• Support those you know with cancer.
• Tell and show them you love them.

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Sliding Otter News

October 9, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 22

How We Learn and Why It Matters

Any genuine teaching will result, if successful, in someone's knowing
how to bring about a better condition of things than existed earlier.
~John Dewey

Recently I read a news story about the pros and cons of separate schools for girls and boys. Girls tend to be more thoughtful. They also learn language skills more quickly. Boys tend to be more active and physical and develop sensory skills more quickly. Such an approach holds that in separate schools teachers can address their students’ preferred ways of learning. Boys and girls will compete less since they will be learning in ways which are more natural for them. They should also feel better about themselves in a classroom where they can study in their own fashion and might learn more as well.

If students were in school just to learn facts, this approach might be worth considering. But is learning is just about facts? Perhaps more important than what we know at graduation is what we have learned about those different from us and how to understand, communicate and compromise with people we might find odd at first.

Those suggesting the change maintain that boys and girls have different types of brains. Psychologists have debated for decades about whether variations in ways of thinking and acting are based on biology or environment. Studies by the psychologist Richard Nesbitt found that Japanese mothers talk to their babies mostly in terms of interactions while American and French mothers focus more on nouns.

Further studies by Nesbitt and his colleagues found that when asked to look at a picture, American graduate students concentrate on the main subject while East Asian graduate students concentrate more on the background. The researchers thought that the explanation for this lay in cultural differences. They viewed Americans as more intrigued with independence while Asians are more attuned to the complex social relationships entwined in their way of life.

Groups of people differ from each other in many ways. These differences often make it hard for us to understand each other’s thinking and actions in ordinary circumstances. How much more difficult is it when we start addressing tightly held values? We tend to quickly brand those who differ from us as misinformed, stupid or stubborn. Scientists were mocked and persecuted when they first suggested that the earth orbited the sun. Modern artists drew scorn when they tried to paint their subjects from several points of view at the same time such as the Cubists did.

Sometimes we get stuck in our routines, plodding along in the same way we always did whether or not we are making progress. Talking only to those who think as we do keeps us from seeing new possibilities. Perhaps those who think differently from us can more easily see solutions to problems which perplex us. If we had the chance to meet them we could benefit from seeing our problems in a new perspective.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you talk only with those who agree with you?
• Do you avoid people with different opinions?
• On what do you base your opinions?
• Stretch yourself a little.
• Try considering other points of view.

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Sliding Otter News August 14, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 18

What Animals Teach Us About our Lives

Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem.
Benjamin Hoff,

The Tao of Pooh Recently, as Carol and I drove home at dusk, we scanned the meadows along the highway where deer usually graze. None in sight. As we neared home, we swerved to avoid a faun lying in a pool of blood, struggling to arise on its two front legs which still worked. The scene left us feeling shocked and helpless. Not at all what we expected to find. We could only imagine what the faun was feeling.

Earlier that day we had watched Marley and Me, a movie ending with the death of a beloved family dog and felt the emotions the family experienced in letting go of their pet. Sometimes we ignore animals and take them for granted. Sometimes animals fascinate us. Sometimes they become part of our lives and we wind up loving them.

If we look closely, we can find in animals the traits we abhor in each other. We can also find traits which endear us to each other. Killer whales toss panicked seals into the air before eating them. Chimps groom and embrace each other fondly. Many species display the tenderness and fierce protective behavior we admire in human mothers. Animals seem to experience pure joy. Watch sea otters slide down slippery rocks into the sea. See rabbits chase each other around a field. Listen to birds greeting each new day. We tell ourselves that all of these animal reactions are purely instinctual. But who knows? They probably wonder what we are all about as well.

Even though we muse about how well animals understand what we say, we certainly seem to communicate with them on an emotional level. Animals can arouse our interest, curiosity, affection, concern, fear and anger. We seem to draw the same emotions from a variety of animals as well. When a puppy or kitten cuddles up with us, it is hard to know whether the animal or human feels more cozy.

While we see many parallels between human and animal lives, what can we learn from them? On the whole, animals seem to be better at staying focused on what is important. They do what is necessary for survival, their own and that of their offspring. They eat what is healthy for them when at all possible. They don’t succumb to addictions. They don’t worry about who has more or better possessions or look down on less fortunate or merely different creatures. They don’t hold grudges. I am not suggesting that animals are any better than we are. I just think we can learn from the simplicity of their lives in contrast to the complexity with which we often surround ourselves.

Life Lab Lessons

• Do you know what is truly important in your life?
• Do your daily choices reflect your values?
• Do you put the essentials first?
• Do you complicate your life with toys and gadgets?
• Could you benefit from watching how animals live?

*****

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Sliding Otter News July 31, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 17

From Stranger to Acquaintance to Friend

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~The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...
that is a friend who cares~ Henri Nouwen

Recently my girlfriend Carol and I set out to wander around Orleans County for a day. Our main destination was Leonard Oakes Winery near Medina. Dave Lindsay who hosted our wine tasting shared his passion for wine as well as his knowledge. He helped us move along the path from casual sippers to enthusiasts.

Sitting on a park bench near the new Oak Orchard Lighthouse we met another man who shared with us his delight in the peace and tranquility of Oak Orchard Creek and Lake Ontario on a sultry day. As we explored a nearby community, we stumbled upon a cottage for sale. Larry stopped to tell us about his brother’s cottage. We found we shared a social connection with him and heard the story of his teen experience.

All three men were strangers to us before we set out in the morning. I wondered what makes a stranger become an acquaintance and what turns an acquaintance into a friend. The Internet failed to enlighten me about these transitions. Sometimes people pass in and out of our lives without lasting impact, remaining strangers to us. Sometimes we learn an acquaintance’s name, and satisfy ourselves with passing nods or comments on the weather. Some of our acquaintances become a part of our lives as friends, sharing our good and bad times and our challenges.

People we once thought were friends can change so much that when we meet them later they are strangers once again. Friends can also be so in tune with us that we meet them after years and take up where we left off as if we had seen them just yesterday. Friends understand our feelings without elaborate explanation. They accept our achievements and shortcomings without judging us. They know what we need and are there for us when we need them. They share our laughter and our tears. They make us feel comfortable around them no matter what. Whether or not we use the word, they love us and we love them unconditionally.

Our friendships let us grow and learn about ourselves and about how we deal with others. Friends can show us good and bad parts of us to which we would otherwise be blind. They also ask us to help them live their lives. Friends are among the greatest treasures we have in life.

Life Lab Lessons

• What do you appreciate most about your friends?
• What do they appreciate most about you?
• What do you need from your friends?
• What do they need from you?
• When was the last time you talked with your friends about your friendship?

*****

Update

I just returned from several days in Astoria and Long Island for a wedding. It made me again appreciate the wide variety of ways people live. Although I enjoyed the bustle, I am also glad to be back in the relative sanity of LeRoy.

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Sliding Otter News July 17, 2010

Volume 2,Issue 16

Listening to Each Others' Stories

Broadway Street Sculpture

~People are hungry for stories.  It’s part of our very being. Storytelling is a form of history, of immortality too. It goes from one generation to another~ Studs Terkel

Recently I tended a table at the Batavia Ramble, a local music festival. My job was to encourage people to add their two cents worth to a story began by Joanne Beck. Easy enough, I thought. For quite a while no one was willing to write a single word. I added a line and then a few others continued with their own. Even with the pump primed, very few risked adding their input.

We all have a story to tell.  From early childhood we heard tales of relatives we would never meet and others we knew well. We also heard stories of our childhood doings we might prefer to forget.

In social conversion, we seldom spout facts. Instead, we take turns telling the stories of our experience or stories we have heard from and about others. Sometimes it is all we can do to wait our turn until others finish their stories or reach the point where we can insert our own. We are disappointed when the conversation takes a hopeless turn and it becomes clear that our story will just not fit the conversation. But then we find an opportunity to share our story and we feel better, knowing we have finally been heard.

Each of us has a collection of stories which define us and lets others know what we cherish, what we enjoy and how we view life.  My favorite story is one my father told me about Joseph Stickystickystambo nosorambo hadybodybosco ickynonnynoonynony conironitando. Ask me sometime and I’ll share it with you.

Our relationships tend to break down when we become so intent on conveying our story that we forget to listen to someone else’s story. Their story is just as important to them as ours is to us. Stories are not just important to individuals. Whole cultures and civilizations make sense when we encounter the fabric of their stories woven over many generations.

We trace the story of our culture through the Last of the Mohicans, The Scarlet Letter, Tom Sawyer, Gone with the Wind, The Old Man and the Sea, The Enemy Below, Hawaii and many others which tell us and those we encounter who we are as a society.

So why was it so hard to get people to write at the Ramble? Perhaps it is because we want to tell our own stories rather than be part of someone else’s story. Of course, all of us serve as characters in the life stories of those we meet. Maybe we just need to remember that we are minor characters in others’ stories as well as the main character in our own story.

Life Lab Lessons

• If you want to know people, listen to their story.
• Hear them  out without interrupting.
• If you don’t understand their story, ask for help.
• Find common bonds in your stories.
• Seek friendship in our common bonds.
  

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Sliding Otter News July 3, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 15

My Own Personal Mr. Bojangles

~I know a man Bojangles and he’d dance for you
In worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants
The old soft shoe~
Mr Bojangles- Jerry Jeff Walker

I didn’t know John was a dancer. As we approached Radio City Music Hall, we talked about how nice it would be to see the Rockettes perform. Neither of us had more than subway fare in our pockets. He told me he used to dance with some of the performers at Radio City. I thought he was pulling my leg. He knocked on the stage door and within minutes we were watching the Christmas Show from backstage. One of the performers handed me a camel’s reins as he led it offstage. That was the most dramatic moment I recall from our years of friendship.

Mostly I remember the twinkle in his eye and gentle laugh which buoyed me up in my darkest moments. We helped each other keep afloat in life and managed to avoid the undertow at least for a while. After circumstances ripped us from each other, I had few chances to spend time with him. We were both in the throes of adjusting to lives neither of us had planned. The last time I met him he sat before the fireplace in his apartment, feeding into the flames pages of the book he had recently finished writing. I worried about him.

The next time I tried to contact him, he was nowhere in sight and I could not locate him for many years. Finally I tracked him down through his sister-in-law. I found him in single room occupancy hotel where he had to be called to the phone. It was John and it wasn’t. I could feel the embers of his old self but his thinking and sense of humor were like Tinkerbell's light, just barely glowing.

I knew depression had gripped him at times, but now he was almost gone. I did not have the opportunity to visit him after that. Or maybe I was afraid to. I wrestled with myself for several years about it. Recently I made arrangements to attend a wedding very close to where he grew up. Renewing my search for him, this time I located his sister. She told me about the years when he struggled with schizophrenia, which did not surprise me. Finally he found good care, peace of mind and a loving relationship. Unfortunately cancer found him and he died several months prior to my call to his sister. I was happy that she was there for him right up to the end and that he had a taste of what life could be. “Mr Bojangles. Mr Bojangles, Mr Bojangles, dance.”

Life Lab Lessons

• Don’t take your friends’ support for granted.
• Graciously accept what they have to offer you.
• Realize that sometimes their struggles consume them.
• Offer them what you can of yourself.
• Cherish the time you have with friends while you can.

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Sliding Otter News

April 30, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 10

Crime Victims and Spirituality

~Your trauma is not who you are.
It is something that was done to you or happened to you~

Carol Anika Theill

What is spirituality? I read somewhere that defining spirituality is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. I have seen many definitions and found all of them wanting until I met Manny Fortes, a chemical dependency counselor some of you might remember. He defined spirituality as “awakening to the goodness and joy for which you were created.”

Goodness and joy are probably far from the mind of a recent crime victim. More prominent are anger, revenge, justice and feelings of betrayal. We don’t appreciate people trying to help us feel better. Nor do we turn to God initially for comfort. Many of us become angry at God: “Why did You do this? Why did you let this happen? Where were You when I needed You?

We try to make sense of it from God’s point of view as if we could read God’s mind. Just because we try to think logically, we expect God to be logical too. If we can’t figure it out, there must be something wrong with God. We look for someone to blame. God joins the usual suspects: society, people in general, our police system and the criminal justice system.

Some of us wallow in self pity for years, further victimizing ourselves in addition to what has already been done to us. This doesn’t make much sense when we think about it, does it? What are our alternatives? While sadness, anger and fear are common first reactions, do we want to spend the rest of our lives caught in these emotions. Given a choice, most of us do not.

What else can we do? Perhaps not much alone. We can take steps to prevent further trauma by learning how to protect ourselves and seeking legal or police protection. But then what? The rest of the work to be done is inside us. In addition to physical trauma, our spirit has most likely been damages as well. What can we do about that?

Spiritually, we have a choice of wrestling with God over who is to blame for our misfortune or asking God for help getting on with our lives. Approaching God alone can be difficult in such troubling times. Friends or clergy who understand our spirituality can help in our quest toward a spiritual resolution of our feelings with God.

We can start by asking God to help us release our feelings of anger, revenge and self pity. Next we can ask God to help us focus on the present rather than on the past. We don’t have the physical, mental or spiritual energy to live in the past as well as in the present. We can’t do anything about the past but there is plenty we can do about right now. Focus on your goodness and joy will follow.

Spiritual Life Lessons

• Ask God to help you stay in the now.
• Ask God’s help with forgiveness (letting go).
• Find friends or clergy to help you keep going.
• Help someone else who is struggling with their life.
• List what is good about you and read it every day.

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Sliding Otter News
April 24, 2010
Volume 2, Issue 9
Carrots, Sticks and the Human Condition

Aquinnah Lighthouse

~Every man carries within him the entire form of our human condition.~
Michel de Montaigne

Recent musings about crime, its perpetrators and its victims rekindled my lifelong speculation about why people do what they do. The simplest explanation is that people do what rewards them and avoid what punishes them.

That seems simple enough. Maybe too simple. Rewards and punishments can be immediate, down the road or far in the future. Sometimes rewards and punishments compete like an angel and and imp sitting on our shoulders whispering contradictory advice in our ears. Sometimes we don't listen to either one but act on our feelings of the moment. As the king in The King and I said, “Is a puzzlement.”

What about the carrot and the stick? One account has a man enticing his reluctant donkey to pull a cart by dangling a carrot tied to a string before it. Another account has the carrot and the stick representing reward and punishment as ways to motivate behavior.

I worked as a psychologist for many years and never arrived at a satisfactory explanation for why people do what they do. I saw what people did and heard their explanations but often felt as puzzled as the king of Siam.

What if I just try to understand myself? What makes me tick? As long as I can remember, I have wanted to help other people. I don't know why but perhaps it has to do with the many kind people who loved and cared for me as I grew up.

Despite their example, I also grew up in a religious environment heavy with sin and guilt, adding a fear layer to my life outlook. Over the years I developed a more balanced sense of spirituality. Now I seek to act responsibly, live harmoniously with those around me and help those I can when our paths intertwine.

I have never landed in jail or even come close. Still, I have not always followed my own life principles. There were times I could have made better choices instead of following my impulses. Yet I keep trying. I have yet to meet anyone who has not at times strayed from what they knew was the best option for them.

Should I give everyone the benefit of the doubt as I do with myself? I would like to but I have come to realize there are people who have no moral compass or at least none the rest of us would recognize.

What are we to make of such people? Some felons don't care who they inconvenience or even kill in their attempts to satisfy their own needs. Terrorists seem motivated by revenge or a wish to eliminate from the earth those who do not think as they do. Sticks and carrots have no meaning for them. That remains a mystery to me.

Life Lab Lessons

• List your values.
• How well does your life reflect what you believe?
• How do you react when people don't behave as you would like?
• Is there a better way for you to react?
• Would understanding others make this easier?

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