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Sliding Otter News August 14, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 18

What Animals Teach Us About our Lives

Barbary Apes

Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem.
Benjamin Hoff,

The Tao of Pooh Recently, as Carol and I drove home at dusk, we scanned the meadows along the highway where deer usually graze. None in sight. As we neared home, we swerved to avoid a faun lying in a pool of blood, struggling to arise on its two front legs which still worked. The scene left us feeling shocked and helpless. Not at all what we expected to find. We could only imagine what the faun was feeling.

Earlier that day we had watched Marley and Me, a movie ending with the death of a beloved family dog and felt the emotions the family experienced in letting go of their pet. Sometimes we ignore animals and take them for granted. Sometimes animals fascinate us. Sometimes they become part of our lives and we wind up loving them.

If we look closely, we can find in animals the traits we abhor in each other. We can also find traits which endear us to each other. Killer whales toss panicked seals into the air before eating them. Chimps groom and embrace each other fondly. Many species display the tenderness and fierce protective behavior we admire in human mothers. Animals seem to experience pure joy. Watch sea otters slide down slippery rocks into the sea. See rabbits chase each other around a field. Listen to birds greeting each new day. We tell ourselves that all of these animal reactions are purely instinctual. But who knows? They probably wonder what we are all about as well.

Even though we muse about how well animals understand what we say, we certainly seem to communicate with them on an emotional level. Animals can arouse our interest, curiosity, affection, concern, fear and anger. We seem to draw the same emotions from a variety of animals as well. When a puppy or kitten cuddles up with us, it is hard to know whether the animal or human feels more cozy.

While we see many parallels between human and animal lives, what can we learn from them? On the whole, animals seem to be better at staying focused on what is important. They do what is necessary for survival, their own and that of their offspring. They eat what is healthy for them when at all possible. They don’t succumb to addictions. They don’t worry about who has more or better possessions or look down on less fortunate or merely different creatures. They don’t hold grudges. I am not suggesting that animals are any better than we are. I just think we can learn from the simplicity of their lives in contrast to the complexity with which we often surround ourselves.

Life Lab Lessons

*****

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Sliding Otter News July 31, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 17

From Stranger to Acquaintance to Friend

Sitting at Columbus Circle

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~The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...
that is a friend who cares~ Henri Nouwen

Recently my girlfriend Carol and I set out to wander around Orleans County for a day. Our main destination was Leonard Oakes Winery near Medina. Dave Lindsay who hosted our wine tasting shared his passion for wine as well as his knowledge. He helped us move along the path from casual sippers to enthusiasts.

Sitting on a park bench near the new Oak Orchard Lighthouse we met another man who shared with us his delight in the peace and tranquility of Oak Orchard Creek and Lake Ontario on a sultry day. As we explored a nearby community, we stumbled upon a cottage for sale. Larry stopped to tell us about his brother’s cottage. We found we shared a social connection with him and heard the story of his teen experience.

All three men were strangers to us before we set out in the morning. I wondered what makes a stranger become an acquaintance and what turns an acquaintance into a friend. The Internet failed to enlighten me about these transitions. Sometimes people pass in and out of our lives without lasting impact, remaining strangers to us. Sometimes we learn an acquaintance’s name, and satisfy ourselves with passing nods or comments on the weather. Some of our acquaintances become a part of our lives as friends, sharing our good and bad times and our challenges.

People we once thought were friends can change so much that when we meet them later they are strangers once again. Friends can also be so in tune with us that we meet them after years and take up where we left off as if we had seen them just yesterday. Friends understand our feelings without elaborate explanation. They accept our achievements and shortcomings without judging us. They know what we need and are there for us when we need them. They share our laughter and our tears. They make us feel comfortable around them no matter what. Whether or not we use the word, they love us and we love them unconditionally.

Our friendships let us grow and learn about ourselves and about how we deal with others. Friends can show us good and bad parts of us to which we would otherwise be blind. They also ask us to help them live their lives. Friends are among the greatest treasures we have in life.

Life Lab Lessons

*****

Update

I just returned from several days in Astoria and Long Island for a wedding. It made me again appreciate the wide variety of ways people live. Although I enjoyed the bustle, I am also glad to be back in the relative sanity of LeRoy.

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Sliding Otter News July 17, 2010

Volume 2,Issue 16

Listening to Each Others' Stories

Broadway Street Sculpture

Broadway Street Sculpture

~People are hungry for stories.  It’s part of our very being. Storytelling is a form of history, of immortality too. It goes from one generation to another~ Studs Terkel

Recently I tended a table at the Batavia Ramble, a local music festival. My job was to encourage people to add their two cents worth to a story began by Joanne Beck. Easy enough, I thought. For quite a while no one was willing to write a single word. I added a line and then a few others continued with their own. Even with the pump primed, very few risked adding their input.

We all have a story to tell.  From early childhood we heard tales of relatives we would never meet and others we knew well. We also heard stories of our childhood doings we might prefer to forget.

In social conversion, we seldom spout facts. Instead, we take turns telling the stories of our experience or stories we have heard from and about others. Sometimes it is all we can do to wait our turn until others finish their stories or reach the point where we can insert our own. We are disappointed when the conversation takes a hopeless turn and it becomes clear that our story will just not fit the conversation. But then we find an opportunity to share our story and we feel better, knowing we have finally been heard.

Each of us has a collection of stories which define us and lets others know what we cherish, what we enjoy and how we view life.  My favorite story is one my father told me about Joseph Stickystickystambo nosorambo hadybodybosco ickynonnynoonynony conironitando. Ask me sometime and I’ll share it with you.

Our relationships tend to break down when we become so intent on conveying our story that we forget to listen to someone else’s story. Their story is just as important to them as ours is to us. Stories are not just important to individuals. Whole cultures and civilizations make sense when we encounter the fabric of their stories woven over many generations.

We trace the story of our culture through the Last of the Mohicans, The Scarlet Letter, Tom Sawyer, Gone with the Wind, The Old Man and the Sea, The Enemy Below, Hawaii and many others which tell us and those we encounter who we are as a society.

So why was it so hard to get people to write at the Ramble? Perhaps it is because we want to tell our own stories rather than be part of someone else’s story. Of course, all of us serve as characters in the life stories of those we meet. Maybe we just need to remember that we are minor characters in others’ stories as well as the main character in our own story.

Life Lab Lessons

Sliding Otter News July 3, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 15

My Own Personal Mr. Bojangles

Orange Butterfly

~I know a man Bojangles and he’d dance for you
In worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants
The old soft shoe~
Mr Bojangles- Jerry Jeff Walker

I didn’t know John was a dancer. As we approached Radio City Music Hall, we talked about how nice it would be to see the Rockettes perform. Neither of us had more than subway fare in our pockets. He told me he used to dance with some of the performers at Radio City. I thought he was pulling my leg. He knocked on the stage door and within minutes we were watching the Christmas Show from backstage. One of the performers handed me a camel’s reins as he led it offstage. That was the most dramatic moment I recall from our years of friendship.

Mostly I remember the twinkle in his eye and gentle laugh which buoyed me up in my darkest moments. We helped each other keep afloat in life and managed to avoid the undertow at least for a while. After circumstances ripped us from each other, I had few chances to spend time with him. We were both in the throes of adjusting to lives neither of us had planned. The last time I met him he sat before the fireplace in his apartment, feeding into the flames pages of the book he had recently finished writing. I worried about him.

The next time I tried to contact him, he was nowhere in sight and I could not locate him for many years. Finally I tracked him down through his sister-in-law. I found him in single room occupancy hotel where he had to be called to the phone. It was John and it wasn’t. I could feel the embers of his old self but his thinking and sense of humor were like Tinkerbell's light, just barely glowing.

I knew depression had gripped him at times, but now he was almost gone. I did not have the opportunity to visit him after that. Or maybe I was afraid to. I wrestled with myself for several years about it. Recently I made arrangements to attend a wedding very close to where he grew up. Renewing my search for him, this time I located his sister. She told me about the years when he struggled with schizophrenia, which did not surprise me. Finally he found good care, peace of mind and a loving relationship. Unfortunately cancer found him and he died several months prior to my call to his sister. I was happy that she was there for him right up to the end and that he had a taste of what life could be. “Mr Bojangles. Mr Bojangles, Mr Bojangles, dance.”

Life Lab Lessons

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Sliding Otter News

April 30, 2010

Volume 2, Issue 10

Crime Victims and Spirituality

Gull Over Dunkirk

~Your trauma is not who you are.
It is something that was done to you or happened to you~

Carol Anika Theill

What is spirituality? I read somewhere that defining spirituality is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. I have seen many definitions and found all of them wanting until I met Manny Fortes, a chemical dependency counselor some of you might remember. He defined spirituality as “awakening to the goodness and joy for which you were created.”

Goodness and joy are probably far from the mind of a recent crime victim. More prominent are anger, revenge, justice and feelings of betrayal. We don’t appreciate people trying to help us feel better. Nor do we turn to God initially for comfort. Many of us become angry at God: “Why did You do this? Why did you let this happen? Where were You when I needed You?

We try to make sense of it from God’s point of view as if we could read God’s mind. Just because we try to think logically, we expect God to be logical too. If we can’t figure it out, there must be something wrong with God. We look for someone to blame. God joins the usual suspects: society, people in general, our police system and the criminal justice system.

Some of us wallow in self pity for years, further victimizing ourselves in addition to what has already been done to us. This doesn’t make much sense when we think about it, does it? What are our alternatives? While sadness, anger and fear are common first reactions, do we want to spend the rest of our lives caught in these emotions. Given a choice, most of us do not.

What else can we do? Perhaps not much alone. We can take steps to prevent further trauma by learning how to protect ourselves and seeking legal or police protection. But then what? The rest of the work to be done is inside us. In addition to physical trauma, our spirit has most likely been damages as well. What can we do about that?

Spiritually, we have a choice of wrestling with God over who is to blame for our misfortune or asking God for help getting on with our lives. Approaching God alone can be difficult in such troubling times. Friends or clergy who understand our spirituality can help in our quest toward a spiritual resolution of our feelings with God.

We can start by asking God to help us release our feelings of anger, revenge and self pity. Next we can ask God to help us focus on the present rather than on the past. We don’t have the physical, mental or spiritual energy to live in the past as well as in the present. We can’t do anything about the past but there is plenty we can do about right now. Focus on your goodness and joy will follow.

Spiritual Life Lessons

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Sliding Otter News
April 24, 2010
Volume 2, Issue 9
Carrots, Sticks and the Human Condition

Aquinnah Lighthouse

Aquinnah Lighthouse

~Every man carries within him the entire form of our human condition.~
Michel de Montaigne

Recent musings about crime, its perpetrators and its victims rekindled my lifelong speculation about why people do what they do. The simplest explanation is that people do what rewards them and avoid what punishes them.

That seems simple enough. Maybe too simple. Rewards and punishments can be immediate, down the road or far in the future. Sometimes rewards and punishments compete like an angel and and imp sitting on our shoulders whispering contradictory advice in our ears. Sometimes we don't listen to either one but act on our feelings of the moment. As the king in The King and I said, “Is a puzzlement.”

What about the carrot and the stick? One account has a man enticing his reluctant donkey to pull a cart by dangling a carrot tied to a string before it. Another account has the carrot and the stick representing reward and punishment as ways to motivate behavior.

I worked as a psychologist for many years and never arrived at a satisfactory explanation for why people do what they do. I saw what people did and heard their explanations but often felt as puzzled as the king of Siam.

What if I just try to understand myself? What makes me tick? As long as I can remember, I have wanted to help other people. I don't know why but perhaps it has to do with the many kind people who loved and cared for me as I grew up.

Despite their example, I also grew up in a religious environment heavy with sin and guilt, adding a fear layer to my life outlook. Over the years I developed a more balanced sense of spirituality. Now I seek to act responsibly, live harmoniously with those around me and help those I can when our paths intertwine.

I have never landed in jail or even come close. Still, I have not always followed my own life principles. There were times I could have made better choices instead of following my impulses. Yet I keep trying. I have yet to meet anyone who has not at times strayed from what they knew was the best option for them.

Should I give everyone the benefit of the doubt as I do with myself? I would like to but I have come to realize there are people who have no moral compass or at least none the rest of us would recognize.

What are we to make of such people? Some felons don't care who they inconvenience or even kill in their attempts to satisfy their own needs. Terrorists seem motivated by revenge or a wish to eliminate from the earth those who do not think as they do. Sticks and carrots have no meaning for them. That remains a mystery to me.

Life Lab Lessons

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